A visit from 'The Witches of Enfield'

The witches of Eastwick

Three of my wife's oldest friends; Kate, Sarah and Lucy made the 250-mile round trip on their broomsticks from North London to rainy Bournemouth today to meet Joe-Joe for the first time.

The trio, dubbed the 'Witches of Enfield' because of their resemblance to the actresses in the movie 'The Witches of Eastwick', spent the day making a fuss over Joe-Joe, taking turns to give him his bottle and burp him.

Kate (Cher), Sarah (Susan Sarandon) and Lucy (Michelle Pfeiffer) are taking Deborah out for a few drinks tonight. I'm sure at some point in the evening when they're downing Witches Brew cocktails (1 shot Blue Curacao, 1 shot peach schnapps and two shots vodka) Deborah will tell the childless women all the gory details about the night she gave birth. I do laugh over the fact that before giving birth Deborah frowned upon women that divulged their birthing horror stories - yet now she can't wait to boast how she pushed out a nine pounder with no pain relief. Maybe I'll suggest they try a cocktail called the 'After-Birth' at that point in their evening! (dash of lime cordial, 25ml Bailey's Irish Cream and 25ml of vodka). 

Now I'm wondering if the witches might have a spell for when I'm left holding a screaming baby tonight and trying to watch The Open golf highlights on TV. 

Sarah, Lucy and Kate (The Witches of Enfield) look spellbound

Latest dirty nappy score: Daddy 29 Mummy 30

Ollie the Octopus takes a beating

Is it a two-headed sea monster?

 After ignoring Ollie the Octopus for weeks, Joe-Joe has suddenly taken a dislike to the green-coloured cephalopod mollusc on his nautical-themed play mat. Perhaps I shouldn't have told him that Ollie's cousin *Paul was directly responsible for Germany beating England in last year's soccer World Cup in South Africa?

In truth, my wife's been training Joe-Joe to touch the sea life dangling from above for the last few weeks. She's been extremely pleased with his progress so far as she'd read somewhere that it takes babies a few months before they develop the hand and eye co-ordination good enough to knock seven bells out of their toy octopi. That's all very good, but he now packs a punch like Rocky Balboa! One swift jab during nappy change this morning caught me flush on the bridge of my nose and brought tears to my eyes!  I hope she's not turning Joe-Joe into a bully!

Joe-Joe octopus bashing

Video of Joe-Joe bashing Ollie the Octopus

*Paul correctly predicted the winner of each of the German national football team's seven matches in the 2010 World Cup, as well as the outcome of the final won by Spain, by taking a mussel from a box marked with the flag of a national team in a forthcoming match. His choice of which mussel to eat first was interpreted as indicating his prediction of a win for the country whose flag was on that box.

Latest dirty nappy score: Daddy 28 Mummy 30

Just smile, smile, smile

One-month-old Joe-Joe hasn't worked out how to smile yet.

If you'd witnessed the scene in our home this morning you'd have thought my wife and I had gone mad!

We've convinced ourselves that one-month-old Joe-Joe is a few weeks ahead on his development and is on the verge of pulling his first smile. And now the battle is on to be the parent that captures that first smile. 

At 7.30 this morning our son definitely stretched his facial muscles to produce an 'almost smile', but my wife says it wasn't a legitimate one as he was filling his nappy at the time. Seconds later she gave me a painful dig to the ribs and shoved me out of Joe-Joe's eye-line in a bid to coax a winning smile out of him. It failed. Teeth were clenched and punches almost thrown and order was only restored when an agreement was reached whereby we gave each other an uninterrupted five minute window of opportunity. When my slot came I pulled every smiley face imaginable and had my camera ready to capture the moment. Alas, Joe-Joe just looked on bemused and pulled the usual gormless expression.   

Apparently, babies make facial expressions when they're in the womb and according to the experts at babycentre.co.uk "he will have been practicing frowns, grimaces and smiles months before birth." The experts say, "if you want to encourage your baby to smile, look for times when he is calm, yet bright-eyed and alert. Hold your baby opposite you, with your faces about 30cm apart, and talk to him... you'll probably be able to find a few minutes at certain times when your baby looks at you intently and examines your face. This is a time he may start to smile. He may stare at you for a long time first, so keep talking to him quietly and you may be rewarded with that first gummy grin!"


I'm taking the advice and will be spending the afternoon doing my best to beat my wife in the smile challenge. I hope to have captured a beaming one on film by the end of the week - so watch this space!

To get Joe-Joe in the mood I'm playing Charlie Chaplin's 'Smile', sung by Nat King Cole.  Watch and play 'Smile' here!

Latest dirty nappy score: Daddy 27 Mummy 30

Willy Wigwam Wee Love You!

It's not a wizard's hat, it's a willy wigwam!

I've been amazed by the number of cards and presents we've received from friends and family welcoming Joe-Joe into the world. In fact, I'm now on first name terms with the Parcel Force delivery driver as barely a day has gone by since the birth of our son that 'Steve' hasn't knocked on the door asking for my signature before handing over a gift-wrapped present.  Every available space in Joe-Joe's nursery is taken up by 'It's a Boy' cards, photo frames, sleepsuits, booties and enough cuddly toy animals to fill Noah's Ark in 'Toy Story 4'.

Of all the gifts Joe-Joe's received, my favourite has to be the Willy Wigwam that arrived in the 'Sprogbox' sent by friends Darren and Hannah. I'd never heard of a willy wigwam and almost wet myself laughing when reading the note inside the cloth bag that it came in. "Mother‘s of little baby boys will immediately understand what willy wigwams are for! Pop one on your little boy‘s private parts when you are changing his nappy and hopefully, he won‘t pee in your face!"

The funny thing is, in the days before our pair of willy wigwams arrived my wife and I had spent hours discussing the merits of our individual methods for preventing pee spray. I used the "get it done in record time method" believing that the quicker I changed his nappy the less chance there was of being shot in the eye. The method worked well for me as I only suffered one urine shower although my nappies leaked a few times due to poor construction. My wife on the other hand preferred the "wet wipe wipeout method" as recommended by our friend Andrea. It involves strategically placing a wet wipe over the willy as soon as the dirty nappy comes off to soak up any spray. However, Deborah soon discovered that what goes on must come off and Joe-Joe would expertly time his sprinkle to perfection, aiming straight in her face just as the wet wipe was removed and before the fresh nappy was fastened. She was sprayed three times in 24 hours using her method and I celebrated by saying she'd developed an "old lady smell".

Since the willy wigwams arrived they've prevented five peeing episodes from becoming serious soakings and I've added them to my list of "Things I Couldn't Live Without" (yes, they're right up there with a Dyson!) The only downside I can think of is it seems they are easily lost, with our washing machine claiming one of our two willy wigwams just like one half of a pair of socks. Unfortunately for my wife, it was her one and after being sprayed last night she threatened to steal mine. I'm not scared as she's got no chance. I carry mine in my back pocket at all times and always sleep with one eye open.

Latest dirty nappy score: Daddy 21 Mummy 22