"I will do my homework" - now repeat 1,000 times!

On returning home from a day teaching at her all girls' school, my wife took me to one side and asked: "Did you do the homework I set you?"

I sheepishly looked to the floor and admitted that I hadn't.

"Well you'd better do it tonight as I'll be testing you in the morning." She then thrust the copy of 'Practical Parenting' that was gathering dust on the coffee table into my hands and demanded that I read pages 8 to 42.

I'll admit to you now that I only read pages 8 to 16 of the chapter titled 'Your New Baby' finishing after the section 'Your Baby's Appearance' when I got sidetracked Googling 'ugly baby photos'.

'Practical Parenting' warns that "the bones of your newborn's head are soft and will overlap slightly as he is squeezed down the birthing canal...your baby's head will return to its normal shape within a few days."

The text continued: "Your newborn baby's skin will probably be mottled and may turn white and blue in patches due to his immature circulation." It gets worse.

"Your baby's eyes may look a bit puffy and swollen after the birth, and it's also common to have a burst blood vessel in the white of the eye from the pressure of birth." Add to that possible "stork marks" "strawberry marks" and "feet that turn in because of their position while curled up in the womb" and the image of Joe-Joe that I now have is something like this: