Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)

 Deana, an old school friend, said that I'd struggle to find the time to write this blog when Joe-Joe arrived - and she's been right! It has certainly been a busy few days since our son came home late on Sunday afternoon, but I'm determined to stick with it and I've even taken my obsession a step further!

Inspired by the latest Google advert on British TV which shows a father documenting his daughter's upbringing by sending her emails, I've opened my son an email account.  'To Our Son Joe Joe at Google Mail' - is already bulging with my ramblings and baby photos. It should at least bring me some amusement when he's a spotty teenager and will act as very good bribery material. "Make me a cup of tea or I'll show your new girlfriend that picture of me giving you your first wash."

Joe-Joe went home having lost nine per cent of his birth weight following difficulties breast feeding. (Something else to tell his future girlfriends? - "Don't worry Britney he's fine with A and B cups - he's never been into breasts since day one.") He's been a bit tongue-tied since his birth last week and despite a mammoth effort by his mummy and the midwives at the Royal Bournemouth to get him working for his feed, the clever boy decided the easier option and the one we're sticking to is the freeflowing bottle. My wife naturally felt disappointed, but it's great for me as it means I get the chance to become one of my childhood heroes, Benny Hill's comic creation- 'Ernie - the fastest milkman in the West'. (See song lyrics below). If you happen to walk past our living room window in Bournemouth during feeding time at 4 a.m. you'll hear me singing it! Not too sure what the neighbours think about it though.

Latest dirty nappy score - Daddy 5 Mummy 3



Spurs Baby on board and ready to leave hospital





Deborah clearly delighted that her husband decided to buy her flowers for the first time in three years! (apparently).



9 a.m. the morning after the night before. Joe-Joe suffered from some trapped wind during the night and as a result Daddy got just two hours sleep. (Mummy somehow got four!)

    
ERNIE - THE FASTEST MILKMAN IN THE WEST

You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground,
And the clatter of the wheels as they spun 'round and 'round.
And he galloped into market street, his badge upon his chest,
His name was Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue,
She lived all alone in Liddley Lane at number 22.
They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic,
But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week.
They called him Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
She said she'd like to bathe in milk, he said, "All right, sweetheart,"
And when he'd finished work one night he loaded up his cart.
He said, "D'you want it pasturise? 'Cause pasturise is best,"
She says, "Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest."
That tickled old Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man,
Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van.
He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,
And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head.
She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said, "If you treat me right,
You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night."
He knew once she sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way,
And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day.
Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
One lunch time Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door,
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four.
And as he lept down from his van hot blood through his veins did course,
And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his 'orse.
Whose name was Trigger, (Triggerrrrrrrr)
And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west.
Now Ernie rushed out into the street, his gold top in his hand,
He said, "If you wanna marry Susie you'll fight for her like a man."
"Oh why don't we play cards for her?" he sneeringly replied,
"And just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the side."
Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,
They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun.
But Ernie was too quick, things didn't go the way Ted planned,
And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his hand.
Now Susie ran between them and tried to keep them apart,
And Ernie, he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart.
And he looked up in pained surprise and the concrete hardened crust,
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust.

Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die,
And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky.
Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned,
And the milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land.

But a woman's needs are many fold and soon she married Ted,
But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.
Was that the trees a-rustling? Or the hinges of the gate?
Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their crate?

They won't forget Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.